Life is. One Day at a Time

It's been a long week. I have a lot of work to do. It's been a long week and I am feeling really tapped out.

I've been noticing that my patience for the kids is shot, and in turn they have no patience for each other. Bicker bicker snap, bicker bicker snap, you could set your watch to our interactions.

Of course, this is decidedly not where I want to be with them. Wouldn't it be nice if everything was sunshine and roses?

But I keep reminding myself that last week consisted of a wedding, a funeral, a birthday, and the first exam of the semester. And through all of that I still had to do the day to day things that life requires! How monumentally unfair, right?

But, you know, life is.

So, here we are trudging on with our heavy boots.

I wrote a priority list, first focusing on the bare minimum of what we need to do to get through the week; a clean sink, a pile of clean clothes, food in our cupboards, time with close friends, quiet time to ourselves. Then, I added in the things that we had some stronger obligation to attend; swimming lessons, school work and Dr/Dental/Vet appts. Lastly, I added in the things that would brighten our life if we could fit them in; Sunday there is a KiteFest at the Stone Quarry Art Park, hanging up Halloween decorations, watching Cheryl Strayed speak at SU.

And, while that might be a long list, breaking it down has made it not feel so overwhelming. I just take things on one at a time. And the more space I can make in my head for the things that are important to me, the more space I have to take a deep breath before I interact with the kids. And instead of trying to make things better all at once, I make them better by a little bit each time. And life goes on, and we go with it.

                                          Rainbow Heart by W

F YEAH 31. #It'sMyBirthdayAndThisIsAllAboutME!

I have been swimming laps 3 days a week, plus jumping in the pool for a deep water aerobics class every Saturday morning. I have been running or walking the dog on the off days when I feel like pushing myself. (But I don't beat myself up if I don't!) Ice cream started making me feel like poo, and that's been a huge blessing. My sugar intake has been cut in half. I've been focusing on eating more protein and fresh veggies. I feel friggin' fantastic. And it's not just because I've been moving my body and eating well.

I've been going to bed on time and waking up early. I've been brushing my teeth after lunch! My mouth does this little happy dance every day. Last year, I committed to getting my hair cut at the barber, instead of hobjobbing it myself. I purge my wardrobe regularly, only keeping clothes that fit nicely, aren't grungy, and reflect how I see myself, as opposed to just wearing any old thing. I look at fashion blogs so that I can get ideas about how to dress to flatter my body and what to wear to make me feel like I'm part of society!

Of course, I can't forget to mention that I've been going to therapy regularly for two years now.

I am beyond proud to say that I really like to see my reflection in the mirror. To see the results of dedicating the time to take care of my "temple" is a direct physical manifestation of the love that has and is blossoming for myself, something that I've never really thought to be too important.


Taking better care of myself has helped me take better care of the loved ones around me, not to mention the house and yard and school and everything else. It's all connected, I've got more energy, better time management, and a better attitude.

Self-care for the win! Here's to another trip around the sun :) Bring it!

My Blog Updates Aren't the Only Thing Overdue!

Can you imagine that this face could give us so much guff?

Wait. Yeah. I can. My mom says that it's payback. I'd like to argue that point with her but I'm afraid that by doing so I will be proving myself wrong.

So, back to my reason for this post, which honestly is total procrastination.

I need to write up W's IHIP. I needed to do that about 3 weeks ago actually. So now I have a little bit of time and I decided to post instead. Priorities, right? *groan*

To be fair, I've been putting off the IHIP because I didn't want to write it for no good reason. You see, we threatened to put her in public school. She was being so obstinate and contrary that it was harming the relationship between her and I to keep persuading (ok and berating) her to do work.

But guess what!?!

We gave her 2 weeks to work on her attitude and she has! She's been fantastic! I am so impressed at the hard work that she is putting in. It is not easy for W to dive into things that challenge her, but the threat of public school is apparently enough motivation. W says she doesn't want to sit inside a room all day and lose a good deal of her playtime. I don't blame her.

And because each person brings their own part to the relationship, J and I also gave ourselves 2 weeks to work on our own attitudes. We recognized that we were not doing ourselves any favors with our passive and somewhat ill-prepared approach to the task. Personally, I had such grand ideas about what school should look that I easily overwhelmed myself. So we resolved to make school a priority, to prepare more ahead of time while also not holding ourselves to too high standards, and to be firm about what tasks needed to be done and when. (That last one really just means that we promised good things at the end of certain homeschool tasks... you know, incentives.)

It's such a relief that we busted through this wall, as none of us really need another radical change in our lives for a while. I'm looking forward to settling down and wallowing in routine and normalcy (whatever that means...)

So, I guess to continue keeping up my end of the deal I should go start writing.

It's Time.

Wow. Two years. I'm sorry.

My loyal followers notwithstanding, I'm incredibly apologetic towards myself. This blog was really important to me and I lost it. I lost this blog in the process of losing myself.

The good news is that I've started finding myself again and now I've found this again, too.

I don't know how to quite explain the absence, especially since I was in the middle of putting down roots, quite literally, as of my last posting. And obviously, the answer is both too involved and too intimate to be shared in this setting.

tl;dr (all the cool kids are doing tl;dr these days)
we fell in love. we moved. MISTAKES WERE MADE. we moved. we regrouped. we weighed our options. we moved again.

That's right, that was 3 moves since June 2013. I won't lie and say that I'm not exhausted.

But now, we're back at homebase, which is comforting. We took the time to paint and fix up a lot of the things that needed fixing to make use feel more at home. Maybe I'll do a walk through with you. I'm proud of what we've done. Of course, we've got a lot more work to do.

The most overwhelming perhaps is the yard. The gardens here have been having a field day without Mama around to make them mind.

But that sort of heavywork is quite cathartic really. 

We are cleaning up the mess we so desperately tried to escape from.

It feels like a very "in your 30's" thing to do, and I can't describe the relief that comes along with feeling like I've finally pointed my compass towards adulthood.

For that, and for all of the other lessons in between, I am very grateful.  

Breaking Ground

Planting seedlings is always a bit of a nerve wracking experience for me. Although I'm sure it could be argued that I'm a bit high-strung anyhow, I always feel so uncertain and a little bit jarred when I stand back and admire my work.

Are they in the right spots? Will there be enough room? Are there enough plants? What if a big storm rolls through and rips these tendrils out of the ground and lies them out to waste? Did I acclimate them to the big outdoors well enough?

And I won't feel fully settled about the whole scenario until the plants start to branch out and stretch their arms, filling up their allotted space.

Although that just brings a different set of worries, they are admittedly, worries that are less immediate.

Are they getting too big? Should I stake them up? Pull off suckers? Are they getting enough water? Enough sun? Is that powdery mildew? What kind of BUG is THAT??

But eventually I'll stop worrying so much and just watch.

And not too after that I'll totally forget that they were ever once something to fret over.

I'm hoping that it's like that with the children, too.

Turning Time

The compost is a time machine.
Each turn of the pitchfork
  unearthing bits of the past,
ghosts once lifted by other forks.
Banana peels from baby's first feeds,
broccoli stems, pistachio shells, avocado pits-

Each heave brings me back in time.
Now I am standing at the counter cracking eggs
Next, sitting around the table carefully segmenting grapefruit.

And it's not just mealtime blessings that are bubbling to the surface.
Here are bits of crumbling playdough, shredded papers and mail.

The grapevine mobile the kids and I made while waiting for baby.

And while I work I realize just how rich this compost really is.

Life is.

Phew!

I've been bogged down in the day to days lately.

Feeling a little off of my game. Laundry piling up, to-do list growing, fridge bare.

That nagging feeling of being disconnected from the kids while I'm caught up in my own headspace.

It's times like these that I start feeling like I should be itemizing those to-do lists.

For example, in a bullet point under "Laundry" I should also write "strip, wash, and remake all beds". That way, when I change all three beds but don't finish the laundry I'll still see something crossed off the list.

Remember when making your bed was the chore of the day? Then, the next you would bring all of your library books back to the library and be able to call that a day.

Now, when I'm knee deep in a pile of various sized socks that I haven't sorted in three consecutive weeks, it's hard to remember to put it into perspective.

Hard to remember that the reason the sink is full of dishes is because I washed all of the previous dishes, cooked food, fed the children, and piled the sink back up again.

I'm tired of this headspace though. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough.

I should simply remember to be proud! Making three beds usually happens on the same day that I cook (at least) two meals large enough for (at least) five bellies, do (at least) two loads of dishes, wipe (at least) the kitchen table, answer (at least) 50 billion questions about physics and the state of the world, while always thinking ahead to what had to get done next.

(I made this egg bread braid for Easter, and I still am fretting about not "doing it all"!?!)

So, somewhere over the course of this afternoon I declared last week "Spring Break" and I'm letting go of all of the guilt and feelings of inadequacy.

Everything that I have done is done enough!

What's more, is that is has been done well enough!

Next week deserves a clean slate, not to be burdened by the to-do list anxiety of last week.

I've been carrying two mantras close to my heart these past few days (weeks?) as I've trudged through.

"The days are long but the years are short."


And, of course, one of my old favorites,

"Life is work. Life is life. Life is."