It's been a bit of a challenging year, like so many that have come before it. I'm a little scared that this is just what "adult" looks like and I'm trying very hard to have hope that life won't always be full of such jagged edges. But, one can only accept life on life's terms, ya know?
Our most noticeable challenge was saying our goodbyes to Henry Lucifer Jones this past April. He was a wonderful family friend, and is dearly missed. He was a fantastic nanny to the children, a dog you only read about in stories, with a personality that charmed nearly everyone.
Henry Lucifer Eichten Jones
2-8-09 ~ 4-1-16
You're a good boy, Henry.
Helped this little dear come into the world this weekend. Had a wonderful team at Crouse Hospital who thanked us for sharing the birth experience with them,. The attending OB (Dr. Brown of CNY Women's Health Care) took a moment to stand aside with me and talk about the miracle of birth how it draws "people like us" into it as a profession. What an honor, to be seen as a professional birth worker. Although I know I am still very much an amateur, it meant a lot to be recognized as a valuable part of the team.
It especially helped to hear that because I was blubbering tears all over myself and consequently the leg I was holding and thinking about how UN-professional that was! But, I have a little "emotional mess" wiggle room for this particular birth I think. That baby buckling means a lot to me.
It was such an honor to have been asked to attend the birth for so many reasons, and to feel like I had worthy contributions as a team member was even more special. I won't go too far into something so personal here, but I feel it needs to be said that this baby is a very meaningful connection in the life that I have been trying to build for our children, a life where family means something other than obligation, where connections are born out of the love we have for each other as fellow beautiful people with a shared history. I've never really had that for myself, and I feel that some of my blunders over the past decade have been born of me desperately clutching to the promise of it. But all of these feelings are still so very amorphous, and I have only just begun to be able to sort out why I have tears dripping from my chin from time to time. I think it best boils down to how blessed I feel to have had this opportunity to build up and repair on a relationship with family that I have not been able to approach until recently. And what's more, is that it really emphasizes the work that I've done to get to this place.
The birth was a chance for me to realize how much I've gained over the past decade. Not just the information that I've learned and retained in regards to birth and motherhood, but also how the connections I've made in that time have influenced my life and the strength that I have found in them, and consequently in myself. Starting from the chanting workshop by Marie Summerwood when I was freshly pregnant with my first, to lessons from my own doula during her faithful attendance of my similarly Scorpion long labor and the friendship that bloomed between us, and especially to the sense of belonging that I've felt at every Syracuse Red Tent gathering and Solstice Celebration.
Each of those experiences gave me the strength and the know-how to help sing this little one into the world, and I wouldn't be the person that I am today without them. Those connections birthed me into a womanhood that I hadn't known could exist. How reassuring it is to be able to look back on it all and recognize your purpose-- to feel so palpably how you are meant to fit in the world? Something to hold on tightly to.
On a similar note, I finished my tattoo this month. Remember, the one with the peacock? You can see a hint of the feather in the photo above. It takes a good 7 years for a peacock to grow such a beautiful, full tail. And when he does, he molts it every year and has to grow it all over again.
It's been a long week. I have a lot of work to do. It's been a long week and I am feeling really tapped out.
I've been noticing that my patience for the kids is shot, and in turn they have no patience for each other. Bicker bicker snap, bicker bicker snap, you could set your watch to our interactions.
Of course, this is decidedly not where I want to be with them. Wouldn't it be nice if everything was sunshine and roses?
But I keep reminding myself that last week consisted of a wedding, a funeral, a birthday, and the first exam of the semester. And through all of that I still had to do the day to day things that life requires! How monumentally unfair, right?
But, you know, life is.
So, here we are trudging on with our heavy boots.
I wrote a priority list, first focusing on the bare minimum of what we need to do to get through the week; a clean sink, a pile of clean clothes, food in our cupboards, time with close friends, quiet time to ourselves. Then, I added in the things that we had some stronger obligation to attend; swimming lessons, school work and Dr/Dental/Vet appts. Lastly, I added in the things that would brighten our life if we could fit them in; Sunday there is a KiteFest at the Stone Quarry Art Park, hanging up Halloween decorations, watching Cheryl Strayed speak at SU.
And, while that might be a long list, breaking it down has made it not feel so overwhelming. I just take things on one at a time. And the more space I can make in my head for the things that are important to me, the more space I have to take a deep breath before I interact with the kids. And instead of trying to make things better all at once, I make them better by a little bit each time. And life goes on, and we go with it.
I have been swimming laps 3 days a week, plus jumping in the pool for a deep water aerobics class every Saturday morning. I have been running or walking the dog on the off days when I feel like pushing myself. (But I don't beat myself up if I don't!) Ice cream started making me feel like poo, and that's been a huge blessing. My sugar intake has been cut in half. I've been focusing on eating more protein and fresh veggies. I feel friggin' fantastic. And it's not just because I've been moving my body and eating well.
I've been going to bed on time and waking up early. I've been brushing my teeth after lunch! My mouth does this little happy dance every day. Last year, I committed to getting my hair cut at the barber, instead of hobjobbing it myself. I purge my wardrobe regularly, only keeping clothes that fit nicely, aren't grungy, and reflect how I see myself, as opposed to just wearing any old thing. I look at fashion blogs so that I can get ideas about how to dress to flatter my body and what to wear to make me feel like I'm part of society!
Of course, I can't forget to mention that I've been going to therapy regularly for two years now.
I am beyond proud to say that I really like to see my reflection in the mirror. To see the results of dedicating the time to take care of my "temple" is a direct physical manifestation of the love that has and is blossoming for myself, something that I've never really thought to be too important.
Taking better care of myself has helped me take better care of the loved ones around me, not to mention the house and yard and school and everything else. It's all connected, I've got more energy, better time management, and a better attitude.
Self-care for the win! Here's to another trip around the sun :) Bring it!
Can you imagine that this face could give us so much guff?
Wait. Yeah. I can. My mom says that it's payback. I'd like to argue that point with her but I'm afraid that by doing so I will be proving myself wrong.
So, back to my reason for this post, which honestly is total procrastination.
I need to write up W's IHIP. I needed to do that about 3 weeks ago actually. So now I have a little bit of time and I decided to post instead. Priorities, right? *groan*
To be fair, I've been putting off the IHIP because I didn't want to write it for no good reason. You see, we threatened to put her in public school. She was being so obstinate and contrary that it was harming the relationship between her and I to keep persuading (ok and berating) her to do work.
But guess what!?!
We gave her 2 weeks to work on her attitude and she has! She's been fantastic! I am so impressed at the hard work that she is putting in. It is not easy for W to dive into things that challenge her, but the threat of public school is apparently enough motivation. W says she doesn't want to sit inside a room all day and lose a good deal of her playtime. I don't blame her.
And because each person brings their own part to the relationship, J and I also gave ourselves 2 weeks to work on our own attitudes. We recognized that we were not doing ourselves any favors with our passive and somewhat ill-prepared approach to the task. Personally, I had such grand ideas about what school should look that I easily overwhelmed myself. So we resolved to make school a priority, to prepare more ahead of time while also not holding ourselves to too high standards, and to be firm about what tasks needed to be done and when. (That last one really just means that we promised good things at the end of certain homeschool tasks... you know, incentives.)
It's such a relief that we busted through this wall, as none of us really need another radical change in our lives for a while. I'm looking forward to settling down and wallowing in routine and normalcy (whatever that means...)
So, I guess to continue keeping up my end of the deal I should go start writing.
